A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband
got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later
with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the
'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up
and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He
stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession
crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod
and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do -
after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the
presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a
new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a
popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were
very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent
this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of
paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed
in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful
time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess
the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped
of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining
room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand
as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
Cars in Heaven
Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He
admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a
compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had
been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him
and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man
driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?"
"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
Unique Marriage Counseling
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save
their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each
other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems
to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an
hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in
disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS
that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Bubba's Three Daughters
Bubba had three daughters.
One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the
door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.
The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick
up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?"
Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.
A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening
the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who
smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up
Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"
Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.
No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba
opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said,
"Hi, My name is Chuck." With that, Bubba shot him.
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the
bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals
lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they
proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and again
they toast to 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender said, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you
toasting to 51 days?"
One of the blondes explained, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle
that had written on the box 2-4 years and we finished it in 51
How Decisions are Made
President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close
Old Town Square in Prague. A guy walks in and asks the
bartender,"Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The
barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,this is a real honor. What
are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III," and the guy says, "Really?
What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this
time and one blonde with big tits."
A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
"See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40
Blonde on Death Row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a
brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks
if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner
shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled
and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and
the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is
startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner
shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the
Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in
front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish.
However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed
up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and
stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most
beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says,
"I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the
mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*
Vengeance is Mine
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated,
they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was
accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the
west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend
anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed,
and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old
boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave
me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but,
even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and mailed the picture to her parents.
A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even
though she has had no prior lessons or experience.
Cindy mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but Cindy begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, Cindy grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The
horse gallops along, seemingly uneffected by its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse
to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunatley, her foot has
become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of
the horse's pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the
ground again and again. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness
...... the supermarket manager runs out and shuts the horse
Read Real Slow
A Blonde And A Brunette Are Running A Ranch Together In
Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows
to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of
$600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually
meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the
only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the
bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like
to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have
found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in
the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send
one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna
understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL
Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the
plan with the second blonde, Robin, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops
the car and says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you
understand the plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than
three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Robin.
Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's
got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the
bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while
he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Trisha
says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said
tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
Husbands in Hell
A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just
won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed
that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to
end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to
Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't
make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't
saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a
nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a
ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do
Maxine, the platinum blonde, reported for her final examination
which consisted of Yes / No answers.
She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the
question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter
out of her purse. She started tossing the coin and marking the
answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "N" for tails.
Within 30 minutes she was all done whereas the rest of the class
was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the
exam period, Maxine frantically started flipping the coin again.
The moderator, concerned about what she was doing, stopped by
her desk and asked if she was ok.
"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago--but,"
explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and
checking my answers!"
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my
husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new
wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Sudden Fashion Change
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about
the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his
co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been
wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Angry Truck Driver
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a
drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to
pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a
piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and
told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he
said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a
baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her
car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's
laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He
goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her
car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so
hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle 4 times."
These Chickens Want Books
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public
library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the
chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the
chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk
quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides
that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to
them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon,
approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk
Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of
these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a
park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be
seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a
pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her
place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her
bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed
animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant
stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed
animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot
of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So
... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
The Marriage Fairy
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the
husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they
had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give
them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've
never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over
the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the
tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and
then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years
younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair
of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several
more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips
the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn
it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When
he gets to the store he finds out however , that it's closed. So
the guy ends up going down to the local bar to use the vending
machine. While there he had a few beer and began talking to this
He had a few more beer and the next thing he knew he was in this
girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next
thing he knew it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god , my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick
give me some talcum powder!"
She got him some and he rubbed it all over his hands. When he
got home his wife was up waiting for him and she was furious.
"Where the hell have you been!”
He said, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a
few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demanded. He showed his wife his
powdery hands. "Damn liar, You were out bowling again!"
What Would You Give?
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, 'I'd give
anything to sink this next putt.'
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, 'Would you give up a
fourth of your sex life?'
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he
says, 'Okay,' and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to
himself, 'Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.'
The same stranger moves to his side and says, 'Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?'
The golfer shrugs and says, 'Sure.' He makes an eagle. On the
final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
'Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to
win this match?'
The golfer says, 'Certainly!' He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside and says, 'You know, I've really not been fair with
you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now
on you will have no sex life.'
'Nice to meet you,' says the golfer. 'My name's Father
A bum approaches a man passing by for money.
Man: "Are you going to use it to buy booze?"
Man: "Will you use it to buy cigarettes?"
Bum: "No, sir."
Man: "Are you going to gamble it away?"
Bum: "Why, no!"
Man: "Then will you come home with me and show my wife what
happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke, or gamble?"
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways
of improving efficiency in communications between Government
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling
is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough,
through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased
programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme
would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top
level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest
using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in
all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then the hard 'c'
could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed
alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of
klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it
kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be
written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per
sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four
years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps
sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w'
kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'.
Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words
kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.