1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove, but will ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask the square footage of your house, but will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won't ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.

4. God won't ask about your social status, but will ask what kind of class you displayed.

5. God won't ask how many material possessions you had, but will ask if they dictated your life.

6. God won't ask what your highest salary was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.

7. God won't ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.

8. God won't ask how many promotions you received, but will ask how you promoted others.

9. God won't ask what your job title was, but will ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

10. God won't ask what you did to help yourself, but will ask what you did to help others.

11. God won't ask how many friends you had, but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.

12. God won't ask what you did to protect your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.

13. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.

14. God won't ask about the color of your skin, but will ask about the content of your character.

15. God won't ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but will ask how many times they didn't.

16. God won't ask which religion you belonged, but will ask were you religious?

PS:We live by the golden rules; those who have gold write the rules! Those without capital, get the punishment; Capital punishment!  

James Fernandes ,jimtoxic@aol.com

These are real good ones.  Enjoy.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You sell one and buy a bull.

 * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

 * You sell them and retire on the income. 

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using  letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four  cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six   cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly   owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight  cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided   with the release. The public buys your bull.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

 * You are surprised when the cow drops dead. 

FRENCH CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You go on strike because you want three cows. 

JAPANESE CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

 * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. 

GERMAN CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a  month, and milk themselves. 

BRITISH CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * Both are mad. 

CANADIAN CAPITALISM  

* You have two cows.

* Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose - in fact,  yes they are.

 * One speaks French, one speaks English.

 * One fights to create a new country, the other won't let it.

 * They both play ice hockey rather well. 

ITALIAN CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

 * You break for lunch. 

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You count them and learn you have five cows.

 * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

 * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

 * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. 

SWISS CAPITALISM:  

 * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

 * You charge an outrageous fee to others for storing them. 

CHINESE CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * You have 300 people milking them.

 * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows. 

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM:  

 * You have two cows.

 * That one on the left is kinda cute... 

LEBANESE CAPITALISM:  

 * You have no cows

 * The Syrians have one cow

 * You convince them to sell the cow to the Kuwaitis with a 50% profit

 * The Syrians are satisfied with the 50% they made

 * The Kuwaitis are happy because you arranged a good deal for them

 * Your commission worth TEN cows 

SAUDI CAPITALISM  

 * You buy One Thousand cows

 * There is no grass, just sand

 * You buy European grass for them

 * You hire one foreigner to milk them and 100 Saudis to watch him

 * The milk cost you 500% more

 * You call it "WATANI" and sell it in the local market 

EGYPTIAN CAPITALISM  

* You have One cow

* You keep telling people you have Ten 

Cheers & Best Wishes

-Ivan Pinto, Abudhabi

These are officially rated and I picked them up from CNN:  Enjoy and have a Hearty Laugh. 

Top joke in the United Kingdom

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.  The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!”. The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." 

Top joke in the United States

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.  His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." 

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." 

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered  that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. 

The Russians used a pencil !!!. 

Top joke in Australia 

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there isn’t nothing wrong with your eyesight” 

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. 

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. 

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and  put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it!!." 

-Kishoo

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother.

"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." 

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and Johnny said, 

"then Daddy and Aunt Jane ... started doing that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army!". 

Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for the IIM study course.  He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview.  Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy 

"Tell me your choice," he said to the boy,  "What's your choice? I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind!” 

The boy thought for a while and said "my choice is ONE real difficult question."

-Sydney Lewis, Bennekudru