The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out,
"You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating
your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells
out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the
guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your
anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from
you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and
says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't
have one."
P'njaaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT
Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri
'kaal.
On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight
Supervisor Banta Singh Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaaab
Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. We
apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun
was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun
does not shine in the night.
Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can
be landing d'rectly in your v'llage. P'njaab Airways has
exc'llaant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are
so high that even the fully trained taarrists and hijackers are
afraid to fly with us.
I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our
p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation. or the rest 10%,
the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling
the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief
you on our out-of-court settlement policies. If engines are too
noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart,
but your flight will become late and you may become the late
also.
For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can
help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin
pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.
We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we
could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut. But
we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can
be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have
been opened for your viewing convenience.
For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the
seat. If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your
in-flight ent'tainment, our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur
will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu . Oye,
Balle Balle!!
Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala,
Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.
There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black
Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala
flights.
As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab
Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is
only the early warning system on the engines. Please to read the
'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front
side. It is not a hand fan. The P'ssainger behind you must read
the card in your backside.
Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water
landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the
land. Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off &
landing. Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts.
We are about to take-off. Thank you once again for flying with
P'njaab Airways.
Some sign – boards seen in Indian Cities,
Sign on a railway station at
Patna:
Aana free, Jaana free, Pakde gaye to khaana free.
Seen on famous beauty parlour in Mumbai:
Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here She may be your
grandmother!
Sign at barber’s saloon in Juhu, at Mumbai:
We need your head to run our business.
A traffic slogan:
Don’t let your kids drive if they are not old enough – Or else
they never will be.
This is the best one: Sign in the restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been- Personally
passed by the manager!
* * * *
* *
Jugnu Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway and he asks
a bystander as to why the guys are doing, what they are doing.
The bystander: A Marathon race is going on. Jugnu Singh: What
they will get from that?
Bystander: The winner will get a prize.
Jugnu Singh: then why are the others are running?
Jugnu Singh and an American were walking
outside. When the American said, “ Oh, look at the dead bird.”
Jugnu Singh looked towards the sky and said where, where?”
Jugnu Singh: I was born in the
Punjab. Harpal Singh: Oh really, which part?
Jugnu Singh: All of me, Silly!
Jugnu Singh with two red ears went to his
doctor, The doctor asked his what had happened to his ears and
he answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but
instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked the iron
box and stuck it to my ear.”
“Oh dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
“But…what happened to your other ear?”
“The scoundrel called back.”
Barkur
Vijay Suvarna, Qatar.
A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in
French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine
or feminine.
House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving
the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and
female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of
the feminine gender (la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine (le computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better
model.
The women won.
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants
complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.
Council Tenants complaints
* My bush is really very overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it.
* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it anymore.
* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew
them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50%
are plain filthy.
* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at
6am his cock wakes me
up and its now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like
a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me
every night.
* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but
I still have no satisfaction.
* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.
Ivan Pinto, Abudhabi
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband
offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin
on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also
honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband,
and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did
for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling" he replied "I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The
reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know
how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would
be attracted to you!
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and
hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife.
"You will bring out the animal in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "I'm Not Afraid of MICE!!"
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in
London. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here,years ago."
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can also be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have, or
will have, eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is
that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake".
Charles Lewis,
Baharain
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