A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, that you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

* * * * * * * *

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

* * * * * * * *

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you  think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same  question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus Stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's  age. If I put my hand down your shirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand down her shirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

* * * * * * *

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology lab."

* * * * * * *

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. "What is your

opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued,

 "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He rises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion." . . .

"Exactly" Said the Doctor.

* * * * * * * *

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."

"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old are you?"

"Twenty four"

* * * * * * *

Every Monkey Has Its Day!

*   *  *  *  *  *  *

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect  woman met. After a Perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life  together was, Of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect Couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they Noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,the perfect Couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were Driving along deivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the Perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them Survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

****Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

****Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car crashed.

*** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is REALLY the end of the joke.

**** Men Keep scrolling.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!