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A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area in
Bihar was transferred to a school in
Bombay.
He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the
practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on
Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech :
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my
first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my
speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your
school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time
lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.
The clerk rejected to give ticket.
I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady
clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long
time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to
my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was
responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who
get-outted all angrezi peoples from
India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall have it.
Today we all have our birth-rate. You children are future
dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No
backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like
X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety
seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great
books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to
college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can
become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants,
or lecherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are
the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil,
pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become
great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only
yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm:
Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These
jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in
English, you can become teacher.
********************
The following are different answers given by school-age
children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. . Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used
bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms
like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did
he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads
such a foofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to
work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real
power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over
at your friend's.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes
moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat
aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the
dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some
kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it
be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my
sister who did it and not me.
********************
Imagine if it ever got to this ...
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have
your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first,
Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Jones and you're calling from 17
Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your
mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now
Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high
blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien
Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones
then, how much will that cost?"
Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir.
The total is $49.99."
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.Your credit
card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55
since October last year"
Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges on
your home loan Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and
withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached
your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash
ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can
always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a
Scooter,...registration number E1123..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^#"
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th
July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a
policeman..."
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that
3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records
you're also diabetic....... "
*****************
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally Typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing
his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her
e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved
ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking
forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.
****************
Difficult to please the BOSS
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he
sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later,
the dog is back again.
So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its
mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages
and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as
well.
The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a
ten-dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the
sausages and lamb in a bag,
placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and
since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and
follow the dog.
So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it
comes to a level crossing, the dog puts down the bag, jumps up
and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth,
for the lights to turn and then it walks across the road, with
the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the
timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by
pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the
dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket, which is tied to
its belt to the bus conductor.
The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other
passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat
looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the
stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the
conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely,
it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the
stop.
It opens the big
Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. It approaches the
house door, stands there for a few seconds, then the dog
suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes
to the window, climbs up and beats its head against it several
times, then jumps off, walks back, and waits at the door. The
butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing
the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher surprised and alarmed with this, he runs up to the
door and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing?
The dog is a genius I don't think you know what he is capable
of. For crying out loud this clever dog could be on TV"
To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the
second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten to take
the house key when going out."
Moral of the Story:
You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall
always fall short of the boss' expectations. It's a dog's life
after all!
*********************
The Ox and the Mule
If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. For some time an
old farmer had been plowing with an ox and a mule teamed
together; working them pretty hard. The young ox said to the
mule, "Let's play sick today and rest a little while."
But the old mule said, "No, we need to get the work done, for
the growing season is short."
But the ox played sick, and the farmer brought it fresh hay and
corn and made the ox comfortable. When the mule came in from
plowing, the ox asked how it went in the fields. "We didn't get
as much done," answered the mule, "but we did a fair stretch."
Then the ox asked, "What did the old man say about me?"
"Nothing," said the mule.
The next day the ox, thinking it had a good thing going, played
sick again.
And when the mule returned from the field very tired, the ox
asked, "How did it go today?"
"All right, I guess," the mule replied, "but we didn't get much
done."
Then the young ox asked, "What did the old man say about me?"
"Nothing to me," the mule answered, "but he did stop and have a
long talk with the butcher."
-Charles
Lewis, Bangalore |
