JOKE FOR EASTER

Joseph of Arimathea was a very wealthy pharisee, a member of the the council, and a secret follower of Jesus. It was Joseph who went to Pilate and asked for Jesus' body after crucifixipn. And it was Joseph who supplied the tomb for Jesus' burial.

I wonder if someone pulled him aside and said, "Joseph that was such a beautiful, costly, hand-hewn tomb. Why on earth did you give it to someone to be buried in?"

"Why not?" Joseph may have answered. "He only needed it for the weekend.

CLAUDE D'SOUZA, Australia.

Two litle boys met.

"How old are you?" "I am five. How old are you?"

"I don't know." "You don't know how old are you?" "Nope."

"Do women bother you?"

"Nope."

"Then, you are four."

James Fernandes, USA

DELICACY

A big cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served ?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste ! Those are bull's testicle s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy !"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on

vacation down here ! Bring me an order !"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.  If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the

day.  After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday !"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 * * * * * * * * *

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am"

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks gain, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"

  * * * * * * * * *

A Indian and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from New York. The American asks if he would like to play a  fun-game.

The Indian, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.    He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, the Indian declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't  know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the guy's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon ?"

The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn."

So the Indian asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.   Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his  references. No answer !   He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers. Checks the input. All to no avail !

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Indian and hands him $500.  The Indian thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Indian up and asks, "Well, what's the answer ?"

Without a word, the Indian reaches into his wallet, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep !

 * * * * * * * * *

BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU DREAM !!!

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl  standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom ?......and who are you ?"  he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St.Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT ! ?? Are you saying I'm dead ? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry.

"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.  "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........ then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said.

"How does it feel ?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that !" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before ??"

"No, how do I do that ?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

”Wow" Harry said "that felt really good !" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout :

"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

 * * * * * * * * *

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. His wife's tissue type was a match so she offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

  * * * * * * * * *

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said,  "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight.  "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:  "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.  "Please don't give me this juice again," she said,  "It makes my teeth cough."

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied,  "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:  "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked:  "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked,  "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

Charles Lewis, Bangalore.