A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hello Doctor !   Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work ? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .....

"TRY TO DO IT WHEN THE ENGINE IS RUNNING."

************

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a  woman from Chennai , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to  do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Bombay. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes  were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties  were to keep the house  cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and  hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he did not see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

***************

Husband's true sorrows

Husband comes home from church and lifts his wife and carries her around his house.

Wife is a bit surprised about her husband being romantic, so she asks him "did the pastor in church ask you to be romantic with  your wife ?"

"No" replies the husband but "he told us to carry our own sorrows".

*************

Grandma doesn't know everything !

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other ?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse !  It's called Bunk Beds ! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you !!"

******************

Family Planning  Bihari style

After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that was enough. So then Laloo went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a Diwali bomb, light it, put it in a empty Coke Can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

Laloo said to the doctor, "I'm the smartest man in Bihar, but I don't see how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke Can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

So the couple drove to Delhi to get a second opinion.  The Delhi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed by their Medical records that they were from Bihar. This doctor instead told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali atom bomb, light it, place it in a Coke Can and hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were talking about and couldn't be wrong, Laloo went home,  lit a atom bomb, put it in a Coke Can. He held it up to his ear and began to count with his fingers on his left hand :

 "1,2,3, 4,5"  at which point he paused, placed the Coke Can between his legs and resumed counting on the other  hand.

*****************

Why did Newton Commit Suicide ???????????????

Here is the reason why...

Once Newton came to India and watched few Indian movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movies of Rajnikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.

Here are a few scenes :

[1]

Rajnikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent.  In one of the fights, our great Rajnikanth is shot in the head.  To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured !     Long Live Rajnikanth !

[2]

In another movie, Rajnikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajnikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does ?   He throws the knife at the middle gangster & shoots the bullet towards the knife.

The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.    Long Live Rajnikanth !

[3]

Rajnikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajnikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah ?

Not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajnikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang...the gangster dies...   Long Live Rajnikanth !

[4]

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.

The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast! The 'climax' finally arrives.  Rajnikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajnikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajnikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.

(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible ?)

Rajnikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton Commits Suicide  !!!!!!!!!

Long Live Rajanikanth ||||||||

***************

One day, three consultants, each one from WIPRO, INFOSYS and TCS, went out for a walk. They were old buddies from engineering college and they were  together for a college reunion.

For no apparent reason, they went into this zoo and passed a monkey.  Being in the same business and from the same college, there was a little bit of a peer competition going on between themselves - they couldn't resist testing themselves against each other - especially the Infosys guy said to the others:

"Why don't we prove who is the best among ourselves ?"

Why not, said the other two. The Infoscion said "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works for the best firm".

By mutual agreement, the Infoscion took the first turn. Being a pure logical strategist, the Infoscion tried to make the monkey laugh by telling jokes.

The monkey stayed still.

As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures.

No good, the monkey stayed still,

Now, comes the TCS being the practical guy he was always trained to be, he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him.

The other two were astonished. How did this TCS guy manage to beat them ?

No way they were going to accept defeat so easily.

So the Wipro guy said "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry !!"

So there they went again, applying the same methods as before.

The Infosys guy narrated sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures, and they failed again...

Then, the TCS again whispered something into the monkey's ear and lo!  It started crying, patting the TCS ears and shoulder !

The other two just could not believe their eyes! So the Infoscion said "OK, You've won twice. If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's Make this monkey run".

And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it stayed where it was.

The Wipro guy, true to his type, pushed and prodded the monkey - still No go.

So...here comes our TCS guy, again, and whispers into the monkey's ear.

The monkey just takes off !   It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death !

The other two surrendered. Said they: "OK, we give up. You're the best among us, and you work for the Best firm of the three.  But please, please tell us your secret," they begged him.

 "Well", said the TCS, "The first time I made it laugh, I told it I work for TCS. The next time, I told the monkey how much I get paid... so it started crying. And finally I told him that I was here for RECRUITMENT!!!"

Thanks to,

Charles Lewis, Bangalore