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NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children, one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

TOILETS: My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

YMCA: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found him-self in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police, Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheel chairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

English--American Style

These are some reasons why American English has been rated the most difficult language to learn, even more than Chinese:

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he decided it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
If we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, yet a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Yes, in American English, your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill out a form by filling it in, and an alarm goes off by going on.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible; when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

 
Anjie Fernandes. USA

Three INDIANS and three PAKISTANIS are travelling by train to a Cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three PAKISTANIS buy a ticket each and watch as the three INDIANS buy just one ticket for them all. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the PAKISTANI. "Watch and learn," answers one of the INDIAN. They all board the train. The PAKISTANIS take their respective seats but all three INDIANS cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The PAKISTANIS see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the INDIAN style on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for three on the return trip. To their astonishment, the INDIANS don't buy ticket at all!! "How come are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed PAKISTANI. "Watch and learn," answers a INDIAN.

When they board the train the three PAKISTANIS cram into one toilet and soon after the three INDIANS cram into another nearby toilet. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the INDIAN leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the PAKISTANIS are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The INDIAN takes the ticket and goes in their toilet.

Toswyn Menezes. Kuwait

Power of Prayer

A certain friend of mine was delighted that his wife was pregnant. He had desired and prayed for a male child for very many years. He prayed to God ceaselessly, prayed at miraculous shrines, donated money in charity, and had made vows/promises.

It so happened that his wife did give birth to a boy. My friend rejoiced and invited the whole village to a thanksgiving party. Years later, I passed through this village. I was told that this friend was in jail."Why? What has he done?" I asked.

His neighbors said, "His son used to drink. Got into a fight, and killed a landlordís son, and ran away. So his father has been arrested."

To ask God persistently for what WE want is laudableÖ. And can be dangerous or perilous. (The Song of The Bird.)

A neighborhood boy prayed for a car for his high school graduation. His rich father was reluctant to give the car, not because he was miser, but because, his son was not ready to drive. To avoid the whining, the father gave in. On the graduation day, this boy met with an accident, and lost both the arms.

Sometimes, God knows better, not to give whatever we want.

A man was praying to God daily for years to win a lottery. Finally God told him, "You canít win, unless you buy a lottery ticket." He won lot of money on his first lottery ticket. He gave due praises to God, and showed gratitude by giving 10% to the church. However, he gave up his job, squandered all his money within a year, by way of gambling and in parties. Now he is homeless, holding a soup bowl.

Now, I know, why I donít win lotteries, nor do I get upset and irritable with God, when I donít get "Whatever, I want!"

EMAIL TO THE WRONG WIFE ,YIKES!!

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together...

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the computer screen:

Dearest Wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. 

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is own here.

James Fernandes, USA

 

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