One Sunday a priest asked his congregation to consider giving a
little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave
the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the
offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed
that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and
said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the
money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The
pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way
to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so
much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take
him and him and him."
An American tourist in
France found himself needing to take a leak...something
terrible!!! After a long search, he just couldn't find any place
to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets
to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a French police office asked,
"Hey, what are you doing?" ... I gotta piss, man." "You can't
piss here. Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of
grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the
cop, whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the
flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this
French courtesy?" "No. This is the American Embassy."
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods. She sent into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that
whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or
better!" The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis, that women will flock to. The woman replied, "That
will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he
will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest
man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The
woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the
The frog then inquired about her third wish, .......And she
answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!
Attention Lady Readers: This is the end of the joke for u. Stop
here and continue feeling better.
Male Readers, please scroll down .....
The man had a 10 times milder Heart Attack !!!
Moral of the Story : Women are at times dumb so u can very
easily mess with them!!!
** * *
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position. After
sending some applicants through the background checks, training
and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men
and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came
for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow our instructions whatever the
circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right
man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the
same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they
explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man
a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the
room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door
opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I
tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and
shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home. "Now they only had the woman left to
test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed
her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow
instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your
final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one
shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in
They heard screaming, thrashing, and banging on the walls. This
went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door
opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death
with the chair!"
need the following:
1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups of
dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon
1 bottle of Rum.
Sample the Rum
to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the Rum again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour
one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the Rum is still OK. Try another cup.
Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the
beaters, pry it goose with a screwdriver.
Sample the Rum to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the Rum.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease
the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of
Check the Rum again and go to bed.
* * ** *