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One Sunday a priest asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

An American tourist in France found himself needing to take a leak...something terrible!!! After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

 Before he could even get unzipped a French police office asked, "Hey, what are you doing?" ... I gotta piss, man." "You can't piss here. Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the  flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this French courtesy?" "No. This is the American Embassy."

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She sent into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to. The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish,  .......And  she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!

Attention Lady Readers: This is the end of the joke for u. Stop here and continue feeling better.

Male Readers, please  scroll down .....



The man had a 10 times milder Heart Attack !!!

Moral of the Story : Women are at times dumb so u can very easily mess with them!!!

Charles Lewis, Bahrain

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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing  and background checks involved before you can even be considered for  the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks,  training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men  and  a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and  handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever  the  circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified  and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"

 "Well," said   the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the  circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your  wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked
a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All   was  quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the  room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't  pull  the  trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No,"  the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and  go  home. "Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same  door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your  final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.

They  heard screaming, thrashing, and banging on the walls. This went on  for  several  minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood  the  woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell  me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to  death  with the chair!"

Ivan Pinto , Abudhabi

Christmas Cake Recipe
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar  4 large brown eggs 2 cups of dried fruit  1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar  Lemon juice Nuts
1 bottle of Rum.
Sample the Rum to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the Rum again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one  teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the Rum is still OK. Try another cup.
Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it goose with a screwdriver.
Sample the Rum to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the Rum.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar  or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't  forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check  the Rum again and go to bed.

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Its raining....


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