CHURCH MARQUEE SIGNS

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

"Under same management for over 2000 years."

"Soul food served here."

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Don't give up.  Moses was once a basket case."

"Life has many choices.  Eternity has two.  What's yours?  "

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

"Prevent truth decay.  Brush up on your Bible."

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."

"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

"The wages of sin is death.  Repent before payday."

"Never give the devil a ride.  He will always want to drive."

"Can't sleep?  Try counting your blessings."

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"Christians, keep the faith...  But not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides.  God adds and multiplies."

"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."

"To belittle is to be little."

"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you"

"God answers knee mail."

"Try Jesus.  If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."

If it is very boring for you in the office, Here are some tips. Try at least few of them:

1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.

2. Make blank calls to your Boss.

3. Count your fingers (and toes if you get bored).

4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e.. Flick someone else chair just to
irritate him/her.

5. Send mails from ms-mail to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there..   And note down the time they take to reach there.

6. Watch other people changing their facial expressions while working and try changing your expressions also..

7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking
silly doubts.

8. Have work breaks in between tea.

9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.

10. Read jokes and send jokes.

11. Revise last week's newspaper.

12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.

13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.

14. Compile "How to waste your day"

15. Pick up phone and dial non existing no.s

16. Make faces at strangers in office.

17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at a time.

18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them. Then repeat this process.

19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.

20. Learn to whistle.

21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.

Enjoy

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
death with a hammer."The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years,
I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he didn't have one."

P'njaaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri 'kaal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage. P'njaab Airways has exc'llaant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained taarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation. or the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies. If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of s udden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut. But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened for your viewing convenience.

For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat. If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment, our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu . Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines. Please to read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land. Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts.

We are about to take-off. Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways.

Some sign - boards seen in Indian Cities,

Sign on a railway station at Patna: Aana free, Jaana free, Pakde gaye to khaana free.

Seen on famous beauty parlour in Mumbai:Don't whistle at the girl going out from here She may be your grandmother!

Sign at barber's saloon in Juhu, at Mumbai:We need your head to run our business.

A traffic slogan:Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough -  Or else they never will be.

This is the best one: Sign in the restaurant:All drinking water in this establishment has been- Personally passed by the manager!

Jugnu Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway and he asks a bystander as to why the guys are doing, what they are doing. The bystander: A Marathon race is going on. Jugnu Singh: What they will get from that?Bystander: The winner will get a prize.

Jugnu Singh: then why are the others are running?

Jugnu Singh and an American were walking outside. When the American said, " Oh, look at the dead bird."

Jugnu Singh looked towards the sky and said where, where?"

Jugnu Singh: I was born in the Punjab. Harpal Singh: Oh really, which part? Jugnu Singh: All of me, Silly!

Jugnu Singh with two red ears went to his doctor, The doctor asked his what had happened to his ears and he answered,  "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked the iron box and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But…what happened to your other ear?"

"The scoundrel called back."

Barkur Vijay Suvarna, Qatar.

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A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon."  A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"  Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with      other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but      half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats. Council Tenants complaints

* My bush is really very overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

* And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I

think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

* Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

Ivan Pinto

*   *   *    *    *

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's

new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling" he replied "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

"What?"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the animal in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "I'm Not Afraid of MICE!!"

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,years ago." Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can also be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have, or will have, eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row,  raised his hand and said,

"Wedding Cake".

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and  headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following:"After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago,their ancestors were already using mobile phones & wire less communication."

Jaihind!!