CHURCH MARQUEE SIGNS
best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours? "
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in
"God answers knee mail."
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take
If it is very boring for you in the office, Here are some tips.
Try at least few of them:
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Count your fingers (and toes if you get bored).
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e.. Flick someone else chair just
5. Send mails from ms-mail to your internet mail (and
immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you
or your mail?) and read them there.. And note down the time
they take to reach there.
6. Watch other people changing their facial expressions while
working and try changing your expressions also..
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by
8. Have work breaks in between tea.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Read jokes and send jokes.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non existing no.s
16. Make faces at strangers in office.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at a
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and
restore them. Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked
when(s) he was 5 years old.
20. Learn to whistle.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided
and take a nap.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged
with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your
death with a hammer."The voice in the back of the courtroom
yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says
to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand
your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts
from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For
I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to
hammer, he said he didn't have one."
P'njaaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT
Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri
On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight
Supervisor Banta Singh Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaaab
Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. We
apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun
was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun
does not shine in the night.
Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can
be landing d'rectly in your v'llage. P'njaab Airways has
exc'llaant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are
so high that even the fully trained taarrists and hijackers are
afraid to fly with us.
I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our
p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation. or the rest 10%,
the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling
the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief
you on our out-of-court settlement policies. If engines are too
noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart,
but your flight will become late and you may become the late
For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can
help you to contact God at once. In case of s udden loss of
cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.
We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we
could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut. But
we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can
be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have
been opened for your viewing convenience.
For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the
seat. If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your
in-flight ent'tainment, our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur
will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu . Oye,
Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala,
Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.
There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black
Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala
As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab
Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is
only the early warning system on the engines. Please to read the
'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front
side. It is not a hand fan.The P'ssainger behind you must read
the card in your backside.
Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water
landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the
land. Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off &
landing. Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts.
We are about to take-off. Thank you once again for flying with
Some sign - boards seen in Indian Cities,
Sign on a railway station at
Aana free, Jaana free, Pakde
gaye to khaana free.
Seen on famous beauty parlour
in Mumbai:Don't whistle at the girl going out from here She may
be your grandmother!
Sign at barber's saloon in
Juhu, at Mumbai:We need your head to run our business.
A traffic slogan:Don't let
your kids drive if they are not old enough - Or else they never
This is the best one: Sign in
the restaurant:All drinking water in this establishment has
been- Personally passed by the manager!
Jugnu Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway and he asks
a bystander as to why the guys are doing, what they are doing.
The bystander: A Marathon race is going on. Jugnu Singh: What
they will get from that?Bystander: The winner will get a prize.
Jugnu Singh: then why are the others are running?
Jugnu Singh and an American
were walking outside. When the American said, " Oh, look at the
Jugnu Singh looked towards
the sky and said where, where?"
Jugnu Singh: I was born in the Punjab. Harpal Singh: Oh really,
which part? Jugnu Singh: All of me, Silly!
Jugnu Singh with two red ears
went to his doctor, The doctor asked his what had happened to
his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone
rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked
the iron box and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor
exclaimed in disbelief. "But…what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
Barkur Vijay Suvarna,
* * *
A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in
French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine
House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving
the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and
female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that
"computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they
use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a
commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck
on accessories for it.
The women's group, however,
concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer)
1. In order to do anything
with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help
you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to
one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you
could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
These are genuine clips from
British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about
problems with their flats. Council Tenants complaints
* My bush is really very
overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing
* He's got this huge tool
that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
* It's the dogs mess that I
find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to
my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
* I wish to complain that my
father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the
hole in his back passage.
* And their 18-year-old son
is continually banging his balls against my fence.
* I wish to report that tiles
are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the
other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is
cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of
my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send
someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it
yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to
remove my drawers in the kitchen.
* 50% of the walls are damp,
50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
* I am still having problems
with smoke in my new drawers.
* The toilet is blocked and
we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
* Will you please send a man
to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
* Our lavatory seat is broken
in half and is now in three pieces.
* I want to complain about
the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its
now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a
large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and
* Our kitchen floor is damp.
We have two children and would like a third so please send
someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living
in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the
noise made by the man on top of me every night.
* Please send a man with the
right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
* I have had the clerk of
works down on the floor six times but I still have no
* This is to let you know
that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
* * * *
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too
skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also
honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before.
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and
she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can
I possibly repay you?"
"My darling" he replied "I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A couple drove down a country
road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion
had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
Yep," the wife replied,
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The
reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
A man said to his wife one
day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all
at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God
made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and
hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife.
"You will bring out the animal in me." "So what?" his wife shot
back. "I'm Not Afraid of MICE!!"
A Doctor was addressing a
large audience in
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here,years ago." Red meat is awful. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG. High fat diets can also be disastrous, and none of us
realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water."But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all,
and most of us have, or will have, eaten it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of
quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and
After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years,
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network one thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical
fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had
advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the
One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the
following:"After digging as deep as 500 meters, Indian
scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded
that 5000 years ago,their ancestors were already using mobile
phones & wire less communication."