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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied,  When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say  Eat me .

The Virgin Mary is not called  Mary with the Cherry,.

The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peters not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.



To all my friends, thanks for sending me chain letters in 2003: This IS what happened to me. '

*I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains. '

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. '

* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. '

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. '

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. '

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay. '

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs. '

*I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. '

* I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. '

*I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993... '

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. '

* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland. '

* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell. '


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. " The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....



A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room.As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.

"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."


There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf Club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men Picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"  W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,000." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me really good price... andsince We need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H - "What price did he quote you?" W- "Only $60,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H - "What?"

W -"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I Love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks,

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!


Be grateful God doesn't have Voice Mail. Imagine praying and hearing the following:

"Thank you for calling heaven. Please select one of the following options: Press 1  for requests. Press 2 for thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press 4 for  confessions. Press 5 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order in which it was received.  'PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE' if you would like to speak to : God the Father press 1. God the Son, press 2. The Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, press 4. For reservation to haven, enter John 3:16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other  planets, and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive here. The office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.



Mrs... Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix- up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr... Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's results. And frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mr... Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these

expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I sup- posed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told,

"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,  so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of

people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay  you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."


Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son  

Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I want to choose my own bride".

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case......Yes"    Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani

Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."

Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World  Bank."

Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"  Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.  

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a  vice-president."

President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."

President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."

This is how business is done !!!!




A Poilsh man married an Canadian gal after he had been in Canada for a year or so, and  although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day. He  rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very  quick".

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and  asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE:  JA! JA! An acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms

LAWYER:No. I mean what is the foundation of this case?

POLE:  It is made out of concrete, brick and mortar

Lawyer: Do either of you have a real grudge?

POLE:  No. We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

LAWYER: I mean what are your relations like?

POLE:  All my relations are in Poland.

LAWYER: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

POLE:  Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set, a DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't  necessary like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

LAWYER: No! I mean does your wife beat you up?

POLE:  No. I am always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE:  No. she's white.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?

POLE:  She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE:  I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof ?

POLE:  She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in  bathroom. I can read it. It say "Polish remover"




A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.  The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,  and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab,  then the driver said:" Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you  so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab  driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years.




Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.


After one day, these were the results:



The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said


"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"


-Charles Lewis , Bahrain



Here it is if you haven't come across this before: -

Mile Sur Mera Tumhara ...

Tamils are always proud to be 'Tamizhs'; Pretty courteous they are(that is what they think,  at least!). They speak yenglish but sorry, no indi(Hindi), The more common Madarasi  (chennaisi..., now?) is an ardent fan of kireeket matches. Their counterparts in Bombay think they live in America but speak Hinglish like '...are  you sure ki Sujata aa raha hai ya I'll go akela!" And they take great pride in making  stupid mistakes in Hindi Grammar. The BEST hypocrites in the world!

'Thamizhs', are verrry lecky to haeve "simble" neighbours in the keralites who are a  comblex race of peoblle (they migrated around 2000 B.C. from the middle east, I guess;  and even now do the Sheik feels wary of them) but they have excellent GK and do well in

 kiss contests, eat a lot of chooclyte and own 99.998765% of tea shops in the world.

Not far begind the kerals is the telugu desam, who are totally againesht flaunting their  wealthu to the woruldu, though they occasionally come out withu brick red shirtsu and  parrot green pantsu with pleetsu('fleet'). Worustu,no?! But they (think) are greatu in  CICSu, Microsu and COBOLu! Generally sane peoplesu (and so you can always findu them  judging, probhing, queschioning others ...)

The Canadians, excuse me, the Kannadigas are the coolest lot down south but if there is  political unrest in Hersogovnia or an ebola virus outbreak in Zaire, they bash up the Tamils in Karnataka. 'Cau very' very bad!

Maharashtrians are a conservative, confused, complex lot-kar. -Kar, that is because  gavasakar, tendulkar, bahulkar, .. confused that is because sitting in southern part  of india they would ask the other person "are you from maharashtra or from south india..?"  and genuinely wonder why the other person takes some time to answer the question, complex  that is because soft, peace loving people but they would elect shiv sena to rule them.

If you go further uf, you land uf in Udissa- the land of irron('r' unsilent) where   sombalpuroa and Bhubaneshbara are big towns. The people are bery cordial and if you are Vikram they bill soorly ask you 'B' or 'Bhe'. They do not sout, sam or soot but occasnally bawsh their phace at the wasbashin. James Bond Mohanty in our colleze had a roll nomber jero, jero, sebhen.

Bengalees are bery similor, but are bery proud oph Subas Chondro Bosh and Shoatyojit Roy (I used to know a director by name Satyajit Ray who was also pretty good) and everybody is 'X'da. I used to havbe a friend by name Dada. Wonder...never mind. Bot I most confess, Roshgollas are bery goooood, tho!

Bihari kids are supposed to be the smartest kids in india (if not in the universe!). How we wish they grow up the same way,.. but... And Biharees are bery phond of Laloo and Ranchi, ka isse bhadiya tumre pass kooch hai, kaa? Besides rabri, jalebi and other fodder !

UPites and MPites are busy going to ischool and istudying metals to make lots of ishteel. Punjabis are very sweet and aggressive and offer “Rotti Shotti Khayega!' to which I once replied 'No'.

He said 'Tage itu, yaar!'By God'u! 'Surjeetu, what happenedu, oye ?!'. That's P'njab.

And Kashmir (called 'Cashmir' by many, may be because of the amount of cash spent to keep it in India)?!? I know 'Roja (or Roza?)' was shot(I mean filmed) somewhere nearby...


Tho Sur bane hamaara!


Sunita, Kuwait



The more the merrier!


-Charles Lewis , Bahrain


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