A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied,  When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

To all my friends, thanks for sending me chain letters in 2003: This IS what happened to me. '

*I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains. '

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. '

* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. '

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. '

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. '

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay. '

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs. '

*I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. '

* I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. '

*I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993... '

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. '

* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland. '

* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell. '

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. " The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....

 "HEBREWS"

-Kishoo

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room.As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.

"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

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There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf Club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men Picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"  W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,000." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me really good price... andsince We need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H - "What price did he quote you?" W- "Only $60,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H - "What?"

W -"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I Love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks,

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!

-Jossie

Be grateful God doesn't have Voice Mail. Imagine praying and hearing the following:

"Thank you for calling heaven. Please select one of the following options: Press 1  for requests. Press 2 for thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press 4 for  confessions. Press 5 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order in which it was received.  'PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE' if you would like to speak to : God the Father press 1. God the Son, press 2. The Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, press 4. For reservation to haven, enter John 3:16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other  planets, and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive here. The office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

" HAVE A NICE DAY"

-Fr.Tony

Mrs... Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix- up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr... Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's results. And frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mr... Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these

expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I sup- posed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told,

"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,  so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of

people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay  you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

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