A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous
On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took
the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
dont say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, take this
and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me .
The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peters
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
To all my friends, thanks for sending me chain letters in 2003:
This IS what happened to me. '
*I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good
for removing toilet stains. '
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS. '
* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because
they cause cancer. '
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. '
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me
to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell
with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. '
* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens
they contain may turn me gay. '
* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are
nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds
can sell their Big Macs. '
*I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I
will get sick from the rat feces and urine. '
* I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't
look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she
will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full
of ice. '
*I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick
girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.
Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993... '
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program. '
* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for
a paid vacation to
* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking
chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it,
because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long
to get our coffee. " The husband said, "You are in charge of
cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you
should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man
should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that,
show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
A traveller pulls into a hotel around
and asks the clerk for a single room.As the clerk fills out the
paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde
sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he
disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with
the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk.
"Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount
to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the
clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk,
"but your wife has been here for three weeks."
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a
golf Club after a round, showering and getting changed for the
19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men Picks it up, and the following conversation
ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where
you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,000." H - "Well, OK, go
ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman, and he gave me really good price... andsince We need
to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?" W- "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W -
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W -"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and
saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park
area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we
have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I Love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are
looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks,
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!
Be grateful God doesn't have Voice Mail. Imagine praying and
hearing the following:
"Thank you for calling heaven. Please select one of the
following options: Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for
thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press 4 for confessions.
Press 5 for all other inquiries.
I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other
sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and
we will answer it in the order in which it was received.
'PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE' if you would like to speak to : God
the Father press 1. God the Son, press 2. The Holy Spirit, press
If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are
holding, press 4. For reservation to haven, enter John 3:16. For
answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the
earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's ark is, please
wait until you arrive here. The office is closed for the weekend
to observe a religious holiday.
" HAVE A NICE DAY"
Mrs... Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her
husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix- up and we have a
problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab,
the samples from another Mr... Smith were sent as well and we
are now uncertain which one is your husband's results. And
frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mr... Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for
expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I sup- posed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle
of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and
asks, "What do they do here?" He is told,
"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the
hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers
that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long
people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do
here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for
an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the
day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why
are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the
devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the
register and then goes to the canteen..."
Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son
Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case......Yes" Next Laloo
approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes" Finally Laloo goes to
see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a
President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."
This is how business is done !!!!
A Poilsh man married an Canadian gal after he had been in
for a year or so, and although his English was far from
perfect, they got on very well. Until one day. He rushed into a
lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for
him "very quick".
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA! JA! An acre and half and a nice little home with 3
LAWYER:No. I mean what is the foundation of this case?
POLE: It is made out of concrete, brick and mortar
Lawyer: Do either of you have a real grudge?
POLE: No. We have a two-car carport and have never really
LAWYER: I mean what are your relations like?
POLE: All my relations are in
LAWYER: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
POLE: Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set, a DVD player with
6.1 sound. We don't necessary like the music, but the answer to
your questions is yes.
LAWYER: No! I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No. I am always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No. she's white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof ?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug
store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read it. It say
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters
from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the
cab, then the driver said:" Look mate, don't ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me!
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realise that a
little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying
dead bodies for the last 25 years.
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment
with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
LITTLE JOHNNY'S EXPERIMENT
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn
from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"
Here it is if you haven't come across this before: -
Mile Sur Mera Tumhara ...
Tamils are always proud to be 'Tamizhs'; Pretty courteous they
are(that is what they think, at least!). They speak yenglish
but sorry, no indi(Hindi), The more common Madarasi (chennaisi...,
now?) is an ardent fan of kireeket matches. Their counterparts
Bombay think they live in
America but speak
Hinglish like '...are you sure ki Sujata aa raha hai ya I'll go
akela!" And they take great pride in making stupid mistakes in
Hindi Grammar. The BEST hypocrites in the world!
'Thamizhs', are verrry lecky to haeve "simble" neighbours in the
keralites who are a comblex race of peoblle (they migrated
around 2000 B.C. from the middle east, I guess; and even now do
the Sheik feels wary of them) but they have excellent GK and do
kiss contests, eat a lot of chooclyte and own 99.998765% of tea
shops in the world.
Not far begind the kerals is the telugu desam, who are totally
againesht flaunting their wealthu to the woruldu, though they
occasionally come out withu brick red shirtsu and parrot green
pantsu with pleetsu('fleet'). Worustu,no?! But they (think) are
greatu in CICSu, Microsu and COBOLu! Generally sane peoplesu
(and so you can always findu them judging, probhing,
queschioning others ...)
The Canadians, excuse me, the Kannadigas are the coolest lot
down south but if there is political unrest in Hersogovnia or
an ebola virus outbreak in
Zaire, they bash up
the Tamils in Karnataka. 'Cau very' very bad!
Maharashtrians are a conservative, confused, complex lot-kar. -Kar,
that is because gavasakar, tendulkar, bahulkar, .. confused
that is because sitting in southern part of
india they would ask
the other person "are you from maharashtra or from south
genuinely wonder why the other person takes some time to answer
the question, complex that is because soft, peace loving people
but they would elect shiv sena to rule them.
If you go further uf, you land uf in Udissa- the land of
irron('r' unsilent) where sombalpuroa and Bhubaneshbara are
big towns. The people are bery cordial and if you are Vikram
they bill soorly ask you 'B' or 'Bhe'. They do not sout, sam or
soot but occasnally bawsh their phace at the wasbashin. James
Bond Mohanty in our colleze had a roll nomber jero, jero, sebhen.
Bengalees are bery similor, but are bery proud oph Subas Chondro
Bosh and Shoatyojit Roy (I used to know a director by name
Satyajit Ray who was also pretty good) and everybody is 'X'da. I
used to havbe a friend by name Dada. Wonder...never mind. Bot I
most confess, Roshgollas are bery goooood, tho!
Bihari kids are supposed to be the smartest kids in
india (if not in the
universe!). How we wish they grow up the same way,.. but... And
Biharees are bery phond of Laloo and
Ranchi, ka isse bhadiya tumre
pass kooch hai, kaa? Besides rabri, jalebi and other fodder !
UPites and MPites are busy going to ischool and istudying metals
to make lots of ishteel. Punjabis are very sweet and aggressive
and offer “Rotti Shotti Khayega!' to which I once replied 'No'.
He said 'Tage itu, yaar!'By God'u! 'Surjeetu, what happenedu,
oye ?!'. That's P'njab.
Kashmir (called 'Cashmir' by many, may be
because of the amount of cash spent to keep it in
India)?!? I know 'Roja
(or Roza?)' was shot(I mean filmed) somewhere nearby...
Tho Sur bane hamaara!
The more the