BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And, the winner is:
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* * * * * * * *
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new
CEO.The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all
unproductive workers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO
notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing. The room
is full of workers who were busy working,except for this guy.
The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do
you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's
two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the
CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell
me which department that worker belonged to?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He is
the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
* * * * * * * *
1. Two peanuts
walk into a bar. One was a-salted.
2. A jumper
cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything.
3. A sandwich
walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food
4. A dyslexic
man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks
into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerial
antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The
much, but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals
are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
8. "Doc, I can't
stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows
standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly" I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy
10. A guy walks
into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The
says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen
atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?"The first replies, "Yes, I'm
12. Deja Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bullcrap before.
13. A man takes
his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. I went to
buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
15. I went to a
seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
17. What do you
call a fish with no eyes? .. A fsh
* * * * * * *
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of
his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the
car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy,
"I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a
C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut,
and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that
he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his
father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where
his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've
brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible
study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, that
you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad,
I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of
the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument
that Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that
they all walked everywhere they went?"
* * * * * * * *
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he
announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three
people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement
was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of
eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from
the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
* * * * * * * *
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent
$5000 and felt really good about the results.On her way home she
stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she
said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but
how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order
taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While
standing at the bus Stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But
when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age.
If I put my hand down your shirt I will be able to tell your
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and
let him slip his hand down her shirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are
47." stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you
do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at
* * * * * * *
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
future holds his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are
going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology lab."
* * * * * * *
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor
asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old
man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant
& delivered a child. "What is your
opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. The doctor thought
for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know
a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.
But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued,
"So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he
spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He rises up his
umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM!
The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else
must have shot that lion." . . .
"Exactly" Said the Doctor.
* * * * * * * *
A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret
for such a long, happy life?"
"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to
bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole
bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On
weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at
"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the
passer-by. "How old are you?"
* * * * * * *
Every Monkey Has
* * * * *
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After
a Perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
together was, Of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas
Eve, this perfect Couple was driving their perfect car along a
winding road, when they Noticed someone at the side of the road
in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,the perfect
Couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were Driving along deivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
Perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
Survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no
Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the
****Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
*** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this
is REALLY the end of the joke.
**** Men Keep scrolling.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point:
WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!