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Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And, the winner is:
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* * * * * * * *

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy working,except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He is the Pizza  delivery guy from Domino's."

* * * * * * * *

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't
much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny
to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly" I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink
says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullcrap before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? .. A fsh

* * * * * * *

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, that you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

* * * * * * * *

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

* * * * * * * *

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you  think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same  question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus Stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's  age. If I put my hand down your shirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand down her shirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

* * * * * * *

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology lab."

* * * * * * *

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. "What is your

opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued,

 "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He rises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion." . . .

"Exactly" Said the Doctor.

* * * * * * * *

A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all."

"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old are you?"

"Twenty four"

* * * * * * *

Every Monkey Has Its Day!

*   *  *  *  *  *  *

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect  woman met. After a Perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life  together was, Of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect Couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they Noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,the perfect Couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were Driving along deivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the Perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them Survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.




Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

****Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

****Men keep scrolling.






So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car crashed.

*** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is REALLY the end of the joke.

**** Men Keep scrolling.






By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:


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