An old man and woman were married for years, even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would
shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave
and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic
because of the many strange occurrences that took place in
their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was
68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the
burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party
as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you
afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old
bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.
You might have seen some, but worth a laugh again ...
These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling
errors have no place in a profile description as everything is
straight from the heart!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic
grammar after reading this mail.
- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Shiva , I am single I dont have
female, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my
home. I am not a good education but I working all field in
bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u
whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks
Regards Shiva ~*~
i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from
orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA,
and other homework (Homework?, He?)
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me
forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or
her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you
(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
She should be good looking and should have a service. She
Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She should be
educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria!)
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of
life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a
first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will
love me more than i. Because I love myself a lot. If u think
that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand
forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because
ofmylucknow i amlooking onegirl she caremeandloveme lot lot
lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
My wife should be as 'Parvati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and
as Tulsi as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I don't see these soaps
regularly but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't
i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans
in house but while steping out of house she should give
recpect to our cast (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY
BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE
THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A
GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE
MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I
WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing)
whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to
be someone wife and she must think of the future life if she
is toolike this she would be called the woman of the lamp (I
am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy
wants ... Florence Nightingale?)
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner
and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person
is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")
HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I
HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET
WORLD IS OK (the "ok syndrome" again)
iam pranav my family histoy my two brother two sister and
fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain
in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother
and parent. I am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my
original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at
rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal
service or tailor?)
my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of
I want one girl who love me or my mother. She love me heartly
or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or
not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is
beautiful then you are beautiful. But iam not a handsome boy
or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good boy. My
father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR.
bye bye. (uttama purush)
iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.She was marred. (No
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe
the poor guy meant BAD habits)
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life
happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i
expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the
same caste or other caste accepted ... (but credit cards not
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust
me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that
criterion is a must, isn't it?)
to be married on jan-2005. working man preferable (this guy
has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a
bride. I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am
sure he will get one soon.)
i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any
treasure. because girl is the maharani. (Now she is going to
be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company
which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been heard or reported:
Lufthansa Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside
the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you
walk on the wings it could affect the flight trim."
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin
lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine
cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached
our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt
sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back
there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth
and nose before assisting children or other adults acting
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please
make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"Last one off the plane must clean it.
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA
and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had
a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here
at US Airways."