An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.

Charles Lewis, Bangalore

You might have seen some, but worth a laugh again ...

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail.

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- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Shiva , I am single I dont have female, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but I working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours

Regards Shiva ~*~

i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?, He?)

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She should be educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria!)

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because I love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i amlooking onegirl she caremeandloveme lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

My wife should be as 'Parvati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......  (Ok I don't see these soaps regularly but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)

i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing)

whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone wife and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would be called the woman of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants ... Florence Nightingale?)

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the "ok syndrome" again)

iam pranav my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)

iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. I am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor?)

my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! Ji)

I want one girl who love me or my mother. She love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. But iam not a handsome boy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good boy. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (uttama purush)

iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.She was marred. (No comments)

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...  (but credit cards not accepted?)

my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra?)

i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

to be married on jan-2005. working man preferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)

i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani. (Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)

Jossie Pinto, Kuwait

Flying High!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to  make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other  announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Lufthansa Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising  altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but  please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it could  affect the flight trim."

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"  flight  attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning  down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to    enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there  are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as  much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at  Washington National, a lone voice came over the  loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during  thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a  Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when  opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has  shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,  insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you  don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't  be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,  margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop  screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or  your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in  the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've  reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for  the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will  drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or  other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be  distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"Last one off the plane must clean it.

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are  pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in  the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard  landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it   wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was  the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really  having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,  the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to  the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than  perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,    thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little  old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind  if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the  pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we  land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the  wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to  go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal  tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Ivan Pinto, Canada