Three Blondes, Three Wishes
There was three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They
saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and
they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank
you very much lady's". the genie said, just for that I will
grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes
The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion
with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good
The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a
plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the
world, ' poof", she was of with her husband having a good time.
Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is
wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my
friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are,
back together again.
Blondes in Heaven
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can
answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are
'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second
blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?'
The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December
when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the
birth of Jesus.'
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in
disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses
at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?'
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the
eyes, 'I know what Easter is.'
'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously.
'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown
of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands.
He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, 'Every year the boulder is moved
aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow,
there will be six more weeks of winter.'
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing
into the kitchen.Were it not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon
newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was
already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dot
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I
almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it
in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You
didn't put any money in the poor box!"
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the
same as putting it in."
First Night Together
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent
their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the
morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast
including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food.
She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come
down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.
After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the
mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and
again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and
she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder
why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother
started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once
again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The
young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline
last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming"
retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow
had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose
with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man
said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home
and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one
of eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen
children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." With a big
grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my
dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom
would say, 'What?'"
Short Cowboy Jokes
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is
going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play
better on "grass." The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor
System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor. The Cowboys had a 12 and
5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so
they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat
regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for
"The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, thats amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my
The blonde nodded. "Ill tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."
"No, from all that skipping!"
Friend For Dinner
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been
shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like
cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Blonde Prison Break
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a
brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came
upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and
rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks
and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the
barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the
hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw
and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy
kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went,
"Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went,
"Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no
sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde