A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are traveling through the
desert when their car suddenly stalls.
They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that its not
going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The
brunette takes a bottle of water and the redhead takes a bag of
food. The blonde gets some tools from the trunk, removes a door
from the car and takes the door with her.
They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At
this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and
ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, in case I
get hungry Ill have something to eat." They all think this is
Then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her
why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in
case I got thirsty Ill have something to drink." They all decide
thats a good idea, too.
Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask
her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies,
"Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."
The judge says, "Please tell me why you're seeking a divorce."
DiNapoli says, "Because I live in a two-story house."
The Judge says, "What kind of a reason is that? What the matter
with a two-story house?"
DiNapoli says, "I'll tell you what's the matter. One story is 'I
have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the
Golf Ball in the Buttercups
The other day I was out playing some golf and my ball landed on
the rough in a patch of buttercups. As I lifted my club in the
air I heard a faint voice, "Please don't hurt my buttercups,
I lowered my club and took a quick glance back and forth to make
sure that I was alone. Satisfied that I was alone, I began to
raise my club and again came the same voice, this time a bit
louder, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."
This time I was so sure of the voice that I spoke aloud, "Hello,
is someone out there." No sooner than I had finished speaking a
tiny fairy appeared before me. "I am the forest fairy, if you
don't hurt my buttercups then I'll give you all the butter you
could want for the rest of your life." and so I replied, "Where
the hell where you when I was in the pussywillows?"
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we
don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again
told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big
sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached
the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave." he replied.
How to Drive Your Wife Crazy
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about
cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to
take care of myself. You know, just in case.
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure its real greasy. Use every
pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some
of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the
sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's
in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and
when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you
PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just
killing me today."
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop
them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and
everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you
never lose your way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean
in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your
house plants are?"
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep.
Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn
it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't
be so selfish."
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her
something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it.
Be sure its as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start
having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most
effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick
it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A little X isn't
going to hurt you."
Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've
been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get
home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just
not in the mood for whatever she's making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your
brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger
in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled
enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she
didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve
to say I never listen to YOU."
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just
in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and
say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when
she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how
When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember
she's young. I remember when you looked good too."
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you
made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it
over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still
wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon,
you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the
elastic is shot and I need new ones."
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her
in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
Wait until she has repeatedly told you something. Come home
shortly after and say, X (women's name most effective but could
be suicidal) just gave me the best advice and repeat word for
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt
every other sentence with, "No, that's not what.........."
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the
next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the
hell did you do. I never had a problem with it."
Even though the water is yellow and foamy, swear you flushed the
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours.
When they need something, they're hers.
Stupid Sports Quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout
the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded,
"Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my
own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders
said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill
Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of
three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not
trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to
me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out
smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the
clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at
every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six
o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As
general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My
sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be
an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms
Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle
for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal
number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor
physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his
nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the
team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a
hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St.
Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for
the toss next time." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that
a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But
the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what
he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy
Aan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as
opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to
vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what
he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to
me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)