A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the  cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it ?"

He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat ?"

The man shakes his head...  "No. They're all at the funeral".

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a  teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub"

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon? or

2. Would you use the tea cup? or

3. Would you use the bucket?

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup.

"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)

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Irish Justice

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a "shovel"

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard !"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a shovel".

Again, the voice at the back of  the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,  and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at  this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the Problem ?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a shovel, he said he didn't have one !"

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What is Common between: Krishna, Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?

Sardarji replied : All are Born on Government Holidays.

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Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone Book  &    said "My Mobile No. has changed earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

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Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College.

Banta: Really, what is he studing, Santa : No is not studying, they are Studying him.

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Santa Banta ko 3 live bomb mile, Police ko dene chale.

Santa : agar koi bomb raste mai Phat jaye to..?

Banta : Jhooth bol denge 2 hi mile the...!!!

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Santa falls in love with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I love you sister."

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Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?

Santa: Very long!

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Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?

Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon.

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Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag. Guess what did he ask next...

Ismein aur colour dikhayiye.

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Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.

The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du ?

Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya ?

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Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye ?

Santa: Birla cement.

Banta: Kyun ?

Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai.

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Preeto: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.

Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum chaar dost... ek bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

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Banta ek sadhu se bola" Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.

Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta ?

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Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.

Santa: Hai.

Frog: Nahin hai.

Santa: Hai.

Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.

Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi ?

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Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.

Santa: I think I'll take the money.

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Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School ?

A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

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Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.

Banta: Santa you'll die.

Santa: You'll die because haven't you heard train is coming on platform?

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Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide to use pigeons. One day a pigeon  reaches Banta without message.

Angry Banta calls Santa: Oye, this was a missed call.

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Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.

Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

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Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains ? "

A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

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Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door ?

A: Because it was an entrance exam.

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Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.

Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.

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Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.

Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.

Santa: I didn't say he got out.

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Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes first - the chicken or the egg ?

O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega !

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1980 girls: Maa mei Jeans pehanungi

Maa : Nahin beti log kya kahengey ?

2006 girls: Maa mein mini skirt pehanungi

Maa: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!

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Judge: You are crossing the limits.

Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai ?

Judge: How dare you call me saala ?

Lawyer: My Lord, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai ?

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Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.

Saheb: Kal aana.

Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere lakhon rupaye fase huye hain.

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Generation Next Motto:

Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.

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What do you call a woman in heaven ?

An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven ?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven ?

PEACE ON EARTH !!!

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What's the difference between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like girlfriend,that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

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What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah ?

Wow ! New underwear.

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Paani mein Whisky milao ta nasha chadta hai.

Paani mein Rum milao to nasha chadta hai.

Paani mein Brandy milao to nasha chadta hai.

Saala paani mein hi kuch gadbad hai.

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Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...??  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour  ??

Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

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Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?

A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.

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Wife : Do you want dinner ?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices ?

Wife : Yes and no.

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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why ?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you ?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"

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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune ?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE" 

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Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire ?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: " Billionaire"

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me  my pretty face or my body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.